An experience of the 21 day process, August 2005

I had been searching for the truth about life and existence consciously for about 10 years. During this time I have had Enlightenment Experiences, that each has lasted each time for about 6 months. When these experiences have ended I have struggled more and more to reach these high states of existence. Each time requiring a deeper search into myself, changing my Environment and my emphasis in life. Studying deeper teachings becoming more and more disciplined and following stricter meditation routines and mindfulness practices.

After finishing my degree, I lived in a Buddhist community for a year and a half (until October 2004). At this time I was becoming more and more one pointed in my quest for Enlightenment, my path was becoming more and more treacherous and everything seemed very edgy and intense. I knew at this point that the next step for me was that I needed the help of a guru. So far the gurus I had met, as much as I respected them as great teachers, I did not have the feeling of certainty to commit myself to them. For me choosing a guru was a big deal.

Through a series of Synchronicities, I was drawn to search for my Guru in India. It was late one February night that I made my first tenuous search on the internet for "Ashrams India" in the hope to feel some intuition as to where I should begin my search for my Guru. What came up were many reports and experiences of people who had been to the Ashram of a man called Kalki Bhagavan, I was intrigued. I connected to this website and I looked at a picture of this man, I immediately felt a powerful connection.

That same night I went to meditate, and I felt a tangible presence descend into me "What was going on here, I thought?” That night I had a dream that Bhagavan was in my heart and whenever I thought of him I could fly with so much power and precision. I woke up and knew that I had to find out more about this man, I began doing more research. My initial enthusiasm became tinged with scepticism. The more I read, the more it sounded too good to be true. I read that he was giving Enlightenment to all genuine seekers, through a transfer of divine, intelligent energy called Deeksha.

He was saying that humanity has had more than enough Spiritual teachings, and now is time for each and every seeker to awaken to his natural peaceful state of Oneness. When a certain number of people had become Enlightened it would create a global shift in consciousness, resulting in the coming of the so called Golden Age of Man by 2012.

First of all, I was being told that Enlightenment had to be given to me. That was challenging to my ego, because I had worked so hard on my path and my practice, I had studied and meditated, I thought it was going to be my personal victory etc etc. That would mean that I would have to give everything up, especially my self righteousness and admit that I couldn’t make it on my own!!!

The second thing was that talk of an Enlightened World in such a confident and matter of fact way, I also found challenging. It was this kind of "idealistic" thinking that fuelled my manic behaviour 7 years ago, leading me into very high states, eventually with me being put into a Psychiatric hospital (for meditating naked under a tree in a park!).

Since this time I had been very wary of people talking about mystical experiences and idealistic dreams, as I had put all that down to my mixing meditation and the spiritual path with psychotropic drugs. From experiencing these high states and experiences, and the downside and depressions of being told by psychiatrists that they were all delusions and that I was psychologically ill, eventually I came to believe them.

From this experience 7 years ago I stopped the drugs! And I began to follow a very practical and rational path, focusing on mindfulness meditation and being very much in the ordinary daily world. When people would talk about such "pie in the sky" things, I would just kind of switch off.

Even though I had become very grounded, the zest and passion and experience of life had never been quite as exciting as it was 7 years ago when I was having visions of Global Enlightenment, and peace and love and Oneness on Earth. So when I heard what this Indian Guru was saying, even though I was sceptical and a little reserved, at the same time, it re-ignited that spark in me of 7 years previous, I was excited by the possibility of what he was saying!!!

I researched further, I read how many seekers, were reporting living in a state of Oneness (that had been given to them by Sri Bhagavan) and the reality of a global awakening was their genuine experience. In a little village in Southern India, these miracles were happening on a daily basis (and are increasing!!). The more I read, the more the flame in me grew as I heard stories of Enlightenment and Oneness and deep states of peace and living life in Causeless love and joy.

The pull was so strong in me, that I arranged to take part in a 21 day process that they were putting on for Westerners in India this August 2005. I just had to find out for myself!! Last week I returned from the retreat, and would like to share with you, some of the most unbelievably, magical, wonderful, Enlightening and at the same time very ordinary experiences I have had during this time.

To create a picture for you: There were about 300 people on the process from all over the world. About equal number of men and women, and our processes were conducted separately. The process was guided by The Enlightened Dasajis (monks). The content of the retreat was a mixture of meditations, homas (fire rituals), listening to experiences of past participants, teachings, receiving deeksha from Cosmic beings!!, having Darshan with Sri Bhagavan and Sri Amma and watching movies!

At the beginning of the retreat, Sri Bhagavan showed me that every experience good or bad in my life, was in fact just perfect and had been a guiding force which had culminated in me coming to India to take part in this process. This was already my experience, although there was a sense that "I" had done it. "I" had walked the path, "I" had achieved many things, "I" was in control of my life, I am responsible for everything, or so I thought?

When it was suggested that I compare this little "I", with the size of the universe, and how brief this "I" is going to be around in the history of the world (some 4.5 billion years). And to think "I" was in control, suddenly began to seem quite silly. What is more powerful? – The whole cosmic vast universe? or this tiny little speck of a person of 6 billion other tiny little specks called people? On this little speck of a planet, floating in this little speck of a Solar System floating in an infinitely vast and continually expanding universe. And I thought "I" was in control!!!.

What is so unique and unbelievably powerful about Sri Bhagavan is that when he gives a teaching, he also transmits the experience to you through Deeksha. So any teaching he gives does not become a concept or intellectual understanding, it becomes real experience and part of me.

The deeksha used to be transferred through hands on the head during the process, but now the power is increasing so much that this is no longer necessary. Instead we would go and meditate with cosmic beings.

When I heard about this, again I was sceptical, it was all beginning to sound a bit "Out there" for me, but anyhow I would keep an open mind. Anyway we caught the bus to another Ashram about 20 minutes drive away. When we arrived, there was an Indian group just leaving the Dhyana Vihar (meditation hall) where the cosmic beings were meditating in deep samadhi. Some of the people appeared drunk and had difficulty walking, from having experienced the power, just from being in the presence of these beings.

That is when I thought wow, this is for real! The power of this place was tangible; there was electricity in the air that gave me a tingling sensation on the back of my neck. When it was our turn to enter the room, I was a bit nervous as to what to expect. When I walked in and saw the cosmic beings, I thought it was something unreal, like something you would see in a film. There were 9 people sat in a row, in one sense they looked dead as they were perfectly still like statues, and on the other hand they looked incredibly healthy and absolutely radiating with life, they kind of glowed!

During the first week on the process I did go through many doubts, thinking that this wasn’t for me and it was all a bit weird, now I can see these doubts were all part of the process working on me!

I was in the shower one evening, and I said to myself (after having doubts and hopes and fears during the day). "Well, even if this process does not work for me, then it doesn’t matter, because I feel happy with whom I am".

Then I thought "Who said that?" "Happy with who I am!" I had never heard myself say that before, I always wanted to change and improve. I saw that the process was working, in a subtle and beautiful way, almost sneaking up on me. This was my first glimpse of how the process was working. I was not witness to the process, I was the process, and so was everything else, just Experience, Process, and Experience.

I had tried so hard to attain Enlightenment. Struggled and fought with myself, tied myself up in knots, turned myself inside out and back to front, disciplined myself and generally given myself a hard time. And now the Dasajis were saying I didn’t need to do anything for the process to take effect. In fact I never needed to do anything. Everything was working and flowing by itself anyway, and all that struggle "I" had been putting in to change, and to attain something, was in effect only the cause of a lot of unnecessary suffering!!

From when I first saw Bhagavan, I felt a very strong connection. On arriving at his Ashram I knew for sure that he was the perfect guru that I had been searching for. I am realizing now, that I was never separate from him through my whole life. I could now see how he had been a guiding hand through many of my life experiences.

What I think is so special and unique about Sri Bhagavan, is that even if I had gone there, and not wanted him as my guru, that would also have been fine. Some people already have a relationship with a guru, or others do not want one at all! In that case he would happily work purely as a technician, to activate the awakening process in the brain to bring about the Oneness state of well being.

After the process, return to your teacher, religion or none, in a state of Oneness and peace, experiencing just your own truth. He was not asking for any commitment to him or his movement. His sole purpose as an Avatar is just to give Enlightenment to everyone who seeks, and that is all. This spaciousness and freedom and immense generosity touched me deeply. I thought I was going to work hard and discipline myself through the retreat; I was going to do my best and put in a lot of effort.

There was one day I was walking to the Dhyana Vihar (mediation hall) thinking I was being very holy and disciplined, walking very mindfully and aware and trying hard to get it right! Bhagavan spoke to me "Don’t TRY to be so Holy!” there is no need "Everything is Holy!!" And with that he let out a hearty laugh! In that moment I felt a sense of relief and relaxation.

Through the day this feeling gradually moved into inner peace. I was given the realisation that I no longer had to struggle to get it right. It was now over to Bhagavan and the divine to do the work as a natural organic process, (in fact it had always been this way, and I just couldn’t see it, as previously I was too busy struggling to change!!).

The Dasaji described it like – participating in the process is like getting on a fast train, then once you are on the train it is moving, and nothing you do or don’t do really matters, everything is taken care of. I knew deep down that I was in the safest of hands, and I could let go. Bhagavan continued to cut through my preconceived ideas I had of Enlightenment.

His next experiential teaching came while I was sat in the Sunshine, watching a man chopping coconuts. I felt a deep sense of peace and completeness. Everything felt lovely and I was just appreciating everything like a fine delicacy, it was beautiful. In this moment Bhagavan said to me "So you made it then!" I was like "what do you mean?" "I have not made it!" "I am just feeling the peace that I don’t have to do ANYTHING" (at the time I didn’t realise what I had said);”I have a long way to go to Enlightenment!” A conversation started in my mind.... I was pretty sure that, this could not be it, there must be more. Yes I wanted more peace and more mystical Experiences; this was too ordinary I thought. I was left with a troubled mind. I wanted the simple peace back that I was experiencing before all this stupid talk of Enlightenment had disturbed my peace. The word Enlightenment had become so loaded for me. I was even annoyed at Bhagavan, why did he give me such a peaceful state and then take it away again? During the teaching Bhagavan was giving me, he showed me that I had constructed an idea of what "my" Enlightenment was going to look like. MY heart was going to dissolve with the universe; MY mind was going to explode into everything. I was going to be flooded with bliss and waves of ecstatic orgasmic joy. And after this one experience, then "I" would have achieved a fixed state of Liberation, Enlightenment.

He showed me that I was looking for experiences, out there, rather than "What is, the experience for me now", and that was never possible, I can only have my Experience. He told me that these peak states I was talking about were just the fireworks, and in themselves are not Enlightenment anyway. I knew from before, experiencing peak states that they have given me confidence in the path, and pushed me on, but really what benefit are they to me in my daily life experience. To live in a peak state all the time, I was seeing would be kind of impractical. I saw what I really wanted was to just live my everyday life, free from inner conflict, with a sense of well being and peace.

That day on the bus, he brought me back to the "What is" and peace began to flow through me again. After experiencing the suffering of wanting more peace, I was so happy to have just peace, I was clear that I wanted nothing else other THAN THIS and ONLY MY EXPERIENCE – I repeated like a mantra. I WANT THIS, I WANT THIS, I WANT THIS, I WANT THIS, I want nothing else just this, I am so happy, and I am so grateful, Thank you. I saw how greedy I had been. Never satisfied with what I had, always wanting more and more, so even when I was experiencing the divine and peaceful presence, I was still wanting more.

It was shown to me that it was like a wheel that had been spinning so fast, and even though in a moment I had stopped pedalling, the momentum of the wheel was still spinning and would take some time to slow down and eventually come to a stop. He also showed me that I identified myself as a spiritual seeker, (I did have the thought, well what will I do if my search is over? In fact I wasn’t sure I wanted it to be over!). He then showed be an image of myself, banging my head against a wall, saying, "ouch this hurts (bang) so much (bang) please become soft (bang), please become soft (bang), and then Bhagavan, just whispered, hey, instead of trying to make a hard wall soft, why not just stop banging your head into it. "Oh yes", sounding a bit foolish, "why didn’t I think of that?". And there was much laughter!!

From these experiences I became naturally appreciative and grateful of everything, at first verbally, I appreciate people’s hair colour, I appreciate the breeze, I appreciate the seat, I appreciate my body, I appreciate the scratches on the back of the seats, I appreciate how hot I am. He showed me that anything other than welcoming and appreciating what is, is stupid, because WHAT IS, IS WHAT IS!, IT CANNOT BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT!, and I am not in control of that, in fact I am not in control of absolutely anything, and I never have been, it was an illusion, and an illusion that causes suffering!

It was the feeling that I was being stripped away of all these concepts that I had been holding onto as truth. This is part of the process known as Samskara Shuddhi. Samskara means: "to carry over from your childhood". Shuddhi means: "cleansing". This process was removing past negative karma. We were told that negative karma was when we think of traumas from the past and they still had a charge. I still had pain and unconformability when I thought about certain past experiences in my life, and I thought I would like to remove this charge. I saw how it was keeping me trapped, and somehow restricting my course and direction into the future.

It was during a homa (fire ritual) that I was able to finally discard this baggage, and all my past negative karma was burnt away in the flames. The homas are beautifully performed by the Dasajis. I had taken part in some fire rituals before, yet there was something very different in the way the Dasas performed this. It was not like re performing an old tradition from the past. It was being performed here and now with confidence, certainty, love and trust and purity. It is difficult to explain, it was just so beautiful to watch, and all the amazing offerings and detailed movements made by the Dasas were so special, so real and so present, in the presence!

The results of the homa were amazing. I brought to mind the events and feelings that in the past had caused me pain. The charge was either no longer there or greatly reduced. I felt I was becoming free from my past. This was such a powerful and liberating experience. Also in this moment I felt free from my future. I didn’t feel like I had to "do" anything, it was not up to me to get it right, it was relaxing. I felt a deep sense of trust that my life is unfolding naturally and in perfect timing. And whatever happens is just perfect. I was becoming simpler, however even after experiencing what I had, the feelings of peace and the presence would still come and go. When it went, then some negativity would creep in, and I would begin to doubt, and soon my trust in the process would again go back to hopes and fears.

What I didn’t realize at this time was that Bhagavan was in the process of showing me something amazing. That day we had a teaching on our various personas. The Dasaji told us a story of one of the dasas on their 40 day Mukhti process with Sri Bhagavan. Well this one dasa, I think his name was Yogananda, was praying and pleading with Bhagavan, "Please give me Enlightenment, Please liberate me, Please, Please, Please!" Over and over again and again he would ask the same questions, and Bhagavan just brushed him off. Eventually after hearing more and more of his prayers, Bhagavan said "OK come to me and I will give you Enlightenment". Young Yogananda went to Bhagavan. And Bhagavan said, "So which Yogananda would you like me to liberate?", Yogananda, turned round and saw thousands of himself.

What Bhagavan was showing was that we have many personas, that arise and cease and that we identify all as a fixed continuous "me". For example. The sceptical persona, the happy persona, the questioner persona, the lover persona, the angry persona, the serious persona, the lazy persona, the neurotic persona etc. etc. These He says are all moments of consciousness that arise and cease moment by moment. They arise from stillness and movement and return to stillness and movement. I kind of got what he was saying, but I was realizing that I had accumulated a layer of teachings that I had chosen to be my truth. Through this layer I filter everything, and I try to make new information/experience fit with what I already know. I had an understanding of personas, that did not quite fit with what they were saying so I went to speak to my guide, Krishnaraj, and he made it so simple and soon broke me away from my store house of dusty accumulated teaching by saying, this is your "wanting to fit what you hear with what you already know persona", soon it will cease and the next persona will arise, for example "I am hungry" persona.

It was so simple and refreshingly direct and experiential!, something that I had thought was so complex!! The wall of teachings I had been carrying around was starting to crumble! It was making more sense now and I began to see all my personas as they were arising and ceasing directly and experientially moment by moment, it became a bit like a game.

Bhagavan then gave me an experience, that showed me something amazing. He was showing me that the "I" was never going to become Enlightened, as "I" is just a collective of 1000’s of personas. In this teaching he also focused and clarified my goal. He did this by first of all giving me my favourite personality: I feel like an innocent little boy, I want to dance and sing and play and smile. I thought then, "I want to be this persona all the time". I was Feeling joy and peace and excitement in my heart for the whole day. The next day I was walking to the Dhyana Vihar, and I noticed a neurotic persona arising. I did not want to lose the persona that I was enjoying so much, so I asked Bhagavan if he would help me to remove this negative persona that was creeping in. He said sure, but first you must experience it fully. This is what he calls jumping into the Tiger’s mouth. That day I had the most terrible day. It was a celebration day and I felt totally disconnected from what was going on around me, I felt anxious and awkward and irritable. These are my worst personas. I was having escapism thoughts, then condemning myself for having such thoughts, giving myself a hard time and going in circles. Bhagavan says that anything when experienced fully turns to bliss. So I thought "OK, stop fighting and just experience, don’t judge myself or try to explain or justify anything". I felt a physical pain in my gut as my personas began to unravel in all their perfect beauty and ugliness.

What I found was that when I was allowing them to fully arise and express themselves fully, it felt almost like indulging without judging, I could see they were not me. As soon as they had been fully expressed and I allowed them to be, they were liberated, they were no longer a problem, they were no longer something that I should hide away and repress, they can all just be there freely dancing with each other! Bhagavan said "very naturally, the personas that are not helpful, will soon be dissolved".

What I was beginning to notice was that when they did arise, they no longer had the same hold on me, and the charge of "ME" was reducing day by day. From this experience I was shown that I had thought that "I" (one of my personas). was going to Attain Enlightenment, and that this was never going to happen. I was shown a more accurate goal that is "to simply dissolve the illusion of a fixed and separate self". That was were Bhagavan comes in, he says "you can just leave that part to me". I was like, OK.

The next morning I felt just totally vulnerable and exposed, no reference and there was some fear. I just watched this vulnerable sensation, and in that moment I was nowhere, I had disappeared, I was nothing. There was just sensations of the body, which was not my body. No thoughts, Just wind on face, just heat, just colours and images and sounds. This lasted for a while then from deep inside, my body started to fill with warm and lovely golden peace.

Yet it was not that I was there to experience it. I was just Peace, I was love experiencing itself. What was almost strange was that it felt so familiar and normal and ordinary at the same time. It was a feeling of "This is how it is meant to be".
This was the day we went to have Darshan with Amma, and was for me one of the most powerful days of the process. Amma is the wife of Sri Bhagavan, she has her own Ashram in Nemam. There were hundreds of Indian people there along with all of us, from the process.

After some singing and chanting she sat with us and radiated the sweetest of peaceful blessings to all of us present, so much that I could feel it tingling through my body! After the Darshan we all received Deeksha. This was one of the most powerful experiences of Deeksha I had experienced. It was deep and warm, golden stillness and joy descending into my body. Indescribable peace and love was everywhere and in everyone, I was in love with everyone and everything. I saw how EVERYTHING WAS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT in the whole world, just as it was. I just sat under a tree, soaking in the warmth and love of Amma’s Darshan, it was just so beautiful. After this experience I felt so happy and everything was just perfect.

After experiencing such a high, I wanted to keep it, and when the feeling started to fade, I felt uncomfortable again. At this stage the presence was still coming and going, when it was going and my vibration was dropping, my thoughts would be coming from a lower thought sphere also. When my energy was higher, my thoughts were naturally light, auspicious and full of love and gratitude. Soon all of these were OK, everything was OK. It was all just flowing through highs and lows.
The last week Bhagavan was preparing me with going back into the world and integrating all that he has shown me. He began to stabilize the highs and lows into a sense of continual well being in my body and continued to help me with some of my other neurotic personas! I was also able to develop a deeper, and a more direct communication with the Antaryamin or "indweller" –this is our own inner guru, which everybody has, and is awakened through deeksha.

I found that the Experience I have with communicating with my Antaryamin is like with my best friend. He guides me, he tells me the truth, he knows me through and through and he has a good sense of humour and he likes to play! It did not take me long to see that this experience was not so different from speaking to God (without getting all religious about it!).

We had been taught that the connection to the divine is very personal and individual. It could be Buddha, Christ, Krishna, God, Allah, Wisdom, or our higher selves, love, light, Inner Peace or nature or whatever form you choose. Whatever you want to call it, however you want to see it, however you want to relate to it. Internally or externally, everything is perfectly fine whatever feels right to you. He says 6 Billion people on the planet, 6 billion different Awakenings, each one unique. Define your own connection, and the deeksha will put you in touch with that, it is so personal. Whatever works and feels natural for you, that is what is best. It gives me such a warm feeling inside to hear these words. I heard how deeksha is putting many people all over the world in touch with the truth of their own religion. This is having an especially big effect in Africa at the moment.

The 21 day process and the giving of deeksha can be for any belief, religion or faith or none. And even while our process was going on, in another campus, there was a process for The Shamans from South America. I could see and feel the power and universality of the deeksha, this was a gift of grace for the whole of mankind, this was a !!VAST!!! way, way beyond my imagination!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On the second to last day after all this purification we were asked to take a shower before we came to the Dhyana Vihar for the ceremony to give us the blessing and initiation to be able to give deeksha. It was a beautiful ceremony, where we received deeksha through the Padukas, then the guides came round and gave us each the blessed mala, they kissed our third eye and gave us a big hug. The hall was filled with love and grace, people were laughing hysterically, especially the guides!!

Then afterwards, we were all just spontaneously dancing, and singing and laughing and shouting and hugging everyone, the presence was so strong, there was so much joy in the room.

On the last day we had a wonderful and touching talk by Sri Anandagiriji. He talked about giving deeksha, the process and how it will now be a continual deepening experience. He said that the first blessing is the blessing of seeking. For looking for more than the mundane, knowing that there is something much deeper to the experience of life. All that struggle and searching, it is a great blessing.

The second blessing is the fruition when all that searching has come to an end. Then being given the realization that there is nothing to find. The path starts where you are and finishes where you are. He talked about there being no absolute truth, God is dependently arising, and it depends on you. It is not one common experience, and the Global Awakening will happen through realizing the beauty and wisdom in diverse experiences. Your truth and my truth are equally valid, true and profound. When we realise this, then there is natural respect and admiration for each other. Then a rejuvenation of everything that is already here can take place very naturally. He spoke some very beautiful words.

Since Returning from India

Now I have returned from India, the power inside is no longer as intense as it was during the process. What I do feel is a continual feeling of inner peace and well being, sometimes this is in the fore ground sometimes in the background. I am pleasantly surprised when things that used to irritate me before, now have little or no effect on me.

I am no longer searching for anything, the inner struggle has ended which is I think the main difference. Now I just want to go deeper into what it is I have found. And this feels like the beginning. Meditation comes naturally. I feel a loving presence with me that I can call on if I need help or guidance, and I feel that this is an ongoing changing and evolving relationship.

I feel connected and part of the whole, and this is an ordinary feeling, a sacred ordinary feeling. I still have thoughts, though they don’t bother me so much anymore, they can just flow by. When I notice that I have been away daydreaming that is fine, before I used to punish myself for not being mindful. I still have negative emotions, yet they don’t stay with me for long, they come, I feel them, I welcome them and they dissolve. The charge of "me" has been greatly reduced. I used to be very hard on me, and now I am kind and accepting of myself.

I trust in the Universe to guide me, and know that everything is perfect just they way it is, (though at times I still forget!). I feel I have been "resized", and I know my place in the natural order of things.

Another main difference, is that I see that "I have not attained this", this is a gift that has been given to me, through Deeksha and Divine grace, simply, organically and naturally through repatterning the structure of my brain.
I look forward to being an instrument to pass this gift onto others, as it has been passed on to me, through giving deeksha, and to contribute to the Global Awakening of our Planet.

I am forever grateful and thankful to all the people I have met in my life, All the teachers who have guided me, especially my family, my parents and my friends – I love you all.

Thank you to Amma and Bhagavan for their immense vision and compassion for all sentient beings, and all the guides at the Oneness University for initiating this process for the whole of mankind.

Love Love Love
Edward Harpin

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